I have been thinking about life a lot. Kicking my addiction is one of the hardest things I have never done; I think about doing it all the time, but being clean for 10 months is definitely something that feels good to get under my belt. Though I have a love/hate relationship with my scars; on one hand I totally love them, think they define me as a person, and think they show what I have been through and on the other hand they keep me from wearing skirts and dresses. I mean I see how people look at me when they see the word art carved into my leg; they judge me before they even know me.  It’s not really fair, but I guess life is just like that. Well anyways happy 10 months of me being clean. I will try my best to stay this way. Also I got a Job :3

You guys have heard the whole song and dance about how The Used saved my life, so I will spare you that.  Well they came out with a new album, which is quite amazing if I do say so myself. And you can tell Bert has worked a lot of his pain and anger, which I hope puts him more at ease and makes him happier. And if it makes him happier it makes keep me happy. This band has helped me so much it is unfathomable the things they have done for me. From the bottom of my heart I love these guys and their music to the ends of the earth. The album’s called Vulnerable and I suggest you go to run to the store and get it. So enjoy.

The Mating of Leopard Slugs.

I wish loving yourself was as easy as getting a crush on someone.

I’ve always had problems with self-love, but ever since my dad told me that I was fat and looked pregnant, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to look in the mirror. Which is unfortunate. Because I know under all that cellulite and fat is a beautiful girl who is dying to get out.

I know I am obese, but I still can’t rise to the occasion of losing weight, no matter how hard I try. I feel defeated, worthless, and ugly because of my weight; and still I can’t find the motivation to stop eating. I feel like ever since I stopped cutting (which has been over 3 months now) that I just jumped into another addiction. I mean I’ve always been a chubby kid, and I have no problems with that; but there is a difference between chubby and obese. Weighing 217 means you’re not chubby anymore.

And then there’s my sweatshirt, it’s a giant black thing that has Boston University written in red letters on it. Living in Maui and wearing a giant black sweatshirt certainly don’t go together. I get so many questions about it like, “why you wearing that” and “aren’t you hot in that thing?” And then of course I have to say “of course not”, because if I say “yes”, then they will question why I wear it, and that includes explanations. Though to be honest it’s partly a comfort thing, I love that sweatshirt to death and its warming cozy qualities; it’s just an added bonus that it covers my stomach.

So today forth I am going to try to love myself for who I am no matter what I look like. It won’t be easy, but I’ll certainly try. And who knows maybe I’ll lose a pound or two.

Your Race: Khajiit

Your favorite Skill: I feel like because I am duel wielding with swords One-Handed is the most important, but enchanting is pretty sweet.

Your favorite spell: Conjuring a storm atronach.

Your Favorite Shout: Kyne’s peace.  I use it all the time so I don’t have to kill innocent animals.

Husband/wife?:  Farkas, I adore everything about him. His voice and his looks are downright sexy, and basically everything about him screams “fuck me.”(Or at least in my book.) I wish he were real so we could elope.

Your favorite armor: Ebony mail, best armor out there.

Your Favorite weapon: Hands down Dawnbreaker, it’s such a kickass weapon not only does it light people on fire it makes dragur blowup in a beautifully colored explosion that also kills others.

Your favorite in-game activity: Just exploring, killing theives, and admiring the sights. Trying to find the weirdest most random quests to do. Or looking around towns.

Your favorite ability: Probably my ability to breathe underwater, though I feel like aside from finding chests it is rather useless; and sometimes depending on the place being underwater kind of freaks me out.

Your favorite town: Markarth, I find it so homey and cozy. The architecture and the design of Markarth is quite beautiful.  My default house I own in fact resides there, though it isn’t as big as my house in solitude it is by far my favorite.

Your favorite Companion(s): My husband, but I don’t bring him anywhere because I am afraid he will get killed. He almost died once and I was freaking out.

Your favorite site monument: Evergreen sanctuary is so beautiful, I almost felt bad when I had to cut the tree’s roots with nettlebane to get to its sap and though I wasn’t there long; misty grove.

Your favorite NPC(S): My first and foremost is of course my husband, enough said there.  Next is Aela the Huntress, I mean I don’t swing both ways but Goddamn, also her level of awesomeness is off the charts. Paarthurnax is so wise and noble I just could talk to him forever.

Your favorite faction: The Companions!

Your favorite Daedra: Boethiah; he made me feel special <3

I miss Bubba so much. Though I am thoroughly put at ease at the fact someone did not brutally beat him to close to an inch from death. It is not a good way to die by snapping his own spine by kicking so hard, and not dying and going into shock. But I don’t know how he got gashes all over his face. I wish he didn’t die so soon, he seemed to be really coming out of his shell by playing with his toys, eating more, and giving me snuggles; but death is unavoidable. He had a nice burial somewhat, a girl dropped his freeze-dried body out of the box; which kind of upset me, but it was accident. We put some flowers, rosemary, and lettuce on his grave along with a tombstone, a circle of rocks and a paper I put on it that said “Bubba rest in peace.”

Let us hope he is munching on the green grass of the afterlife.

The sand wet under my feet as I ran; the sea stormy and the moon shone through clouds on to dark water making it glisten like millions of diamonds. I ran until my face and heart was numb with cold, as my hair blazed the night untold. I ran until my feet refused to hold, such heavy a heart for someone merely 17 years old. Breathing heavily, my head flooded with watery useless thoughts. My nerve endings on my fingertips are bursting with sensitivity. I let my legs collapse on the sandy floor, and I try and sooth my troubled mind.

 I feel the dampness of the sand and look at the sky and realize it looks like a vast black blanket with holes punched in it. I got up on my knees and crawled to the sea; as a child would do to a mother. I dived beneath the water’s icy skin, hoping the cold would kill the smell of my angry sin. And my eyes grew wider than they’d ever been just wishing the numbness to cut deeper with its pins. I try and numb my mind, or do some kind of weird psychological acupuncture on my head; but it’s no use. I lay in the frigid water, motionless. My sin begins reddening the water, a malicious maroon color.

 The voices quiet and things get sharper and more natural all at once, as I enjoy the feeling of my body against the glossy and lucid water.  I swim ashore and wrap myself in the most delicious piece of cloth, ever to be bestowed on a human. I let myself curl up into fetal position on the tentative and tender grass as the trees sing me a lullaby. And I’ll be here by the ocean, just waiting for proof th­at there are sunsets and silhouette dreams. All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes, as every wave drags me to sea.